Monday, February 14, 2011

Shouldn't they be a source of comfort?

My husband and I have been TTC for almost two years, only the last 7 months of which I've actually been ovulating on Serophene, so calculate it as you will.  Anyway, his sister and brother-in-law each had major fertility issues, tried for a few years, was diagnosed with PCOS and a chromosomal issue, went on Metformin, etc. and were just about to start IUIs when bang!  Pregnant.  Her doctor didn't believe her when she called to schedule a beta - that's how low her chances were.  Anyway, fast forward to yesterday, my husband's birthday.  We had just told her that we were pretty sure our second IUI didn't take and that we were pretty gutted about it.  My husband then asked what was new with them, and the FIRST WORDS out of her mouth were, "well, we're keeping busy with the little one...it's so all consuming, you know?".  Um, actually, no.  We don't know.  I should have prefaced this with the fact that they are an extremely selfish couple that does not make the time for others, but expects us to drop everything when my niece is in the mood.  Arrrrgh.  I love my niece and she's a pretty smart little cookie, but it's so hurtful, primarily because my sister-in-law has been there and in my mind, should be more empathetic.  I have vowed that when we finally do become parents, my husband and I will be compassionate to those who are in my shoes now.  People that haven't struggled just have no comprehension of the pain, and it's a real shame when those that have gone through it seem to forget and can be so hurtful.  (fyi, this is only one small example of the insensitivity we've dealt with from her)

Submitted by KMP

13 comments:

  1. That's just awful :( One tries to ignore fertiles who make insensitive comments and think that its because they just won't understand. But when people who have struggled with IF act like this, thats when it hurts so much more.
    I had a friend who had trouble conceiving, and finally conceived on clomid tell me that "i should relax". Then why the hell did she take fertility medication instead of "just relaxing"?

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  2. I cannot believe that was the first thing said to you from them, wtf?

    I think we should form a STFU Fertile Mob and teach all these people a lesson.

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  3. I've lost count of the former infertile friends who seemed to disappear as soon as they got UTD, then never had a supportive thing to say. It was like they had forgotten they were infertile to begin with. When I think about it now, some I even doubt were infertile at all, just impatient.

    I will NEVER forget the pain of this shitful journey, and I would especially never say insensitive crap like your SIL did :-(

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  4. It sucks when people you supported through infertility finally have a kid. Some of them just plain forget what it's like and make super insensitive comments like that. I've been there....it hurts...A LOT!

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  5. I was lucky enough to have a baby via a donor egg from Thailand but I will never forget what it's like to go through 5 unsuccessful IVF cycles, it sucks balls (the understatement of the year) and I will never treat my infertile sisters who are still struggling with anything less than compassion and respect. It doesn't matter how long you have been trying, it doesn't matter if you have taken drugs or injectibles or had to go to a different country to conceive - it is such a hard journey - we all need to be there and be kind to each other.

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  6. It seems like a lot of people who dealt with infertility completely forget what it's like once they've had a child of their own :(

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  7. I don't think I will EVER forget this journey. It has beaten me down so much. However I would like to forget this pain someday if I could. I will work my hardest to. Even if I can manage to forget this pain I would still never forget the struggle and I would be so compassionate to those in my shoes. I too have stumbled across those who have forgotten how infertility feels, especially since they have had quite a few oops since then. I agree with the poster who said sometimes I wonder if they were infertile or really just impatient.

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  8. That's ridiculous. I'm sorry. I can't imagine forgetting this heartbreak!! Honestly, I will always feel sadness and empathy for anyone going through infertility. Some people are just selfish through and through I guess.

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  9. wow -- My response would have been. "Yeah this whole infertility thing, it's ALL CONSUMING....REMEMBER??!!!!"

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  10. UGH my SiL is the same way. Her and my brother struggled to have a baby for SIX years. She had 2 m/c and had to have a D&C b/c of a blighted ovum.
    She eventually did get pregnant naturally. And got pregnant quickly w/ her 2nd as well.
    Now you would think she would be more sympathetic to what I'm going through, but NOPE.
    She's one of those "Here take my kids and it will change your mind about having any." types. Seriously???
    AND she's a "Just relax" person and UGH it's so damn frustrating. I just want to strangle all of her idiotic comments out of her.

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  11. I'm sorry you had to hear that. I'm curently 6 months PAIF (IVF due to endometriosis) so at least right now the pain of IF is still there. Not a day goes by that I don't worry something terrible will happen to my baby before or after birth...it breaks my heart to think of it.

    I'm realistic, I know not every day is going to be easy and that kids CAN and WILL drive you nuts at some point (I'm a teacher). That being said, I will never forget the last 3 years of my life and how much infertility hurts. I would NEVER undermine the feelings of another person who told me they were having trouble conceiving.

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  12. I just don't understand it. I hope I'll never be one of those obnoxious people, if I end up having a child. My infertility is of the "can't STAY pregnant" variety, and I always want to smack girls who complain about their pregnancies or babies when I know they've had losses too. If you must complain at least pick your audience!

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  13. Thanks for the support, folks. It's hard to take sometimes because she's been there.

    The comments like, "you'll see how hard it is when you have kids" or (when the kid is 8 months old) "you can't possibly expect me to leave her with her grandpa" (FOR AN HOUR while we did a fitting for bridesmaid dresses for my wedding) are the ones that get me. I have plenty of friends that are able to incorporate a child into their lives instead of changing everything to cater to the child's every whim.

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