Friday, June 24, 2011

Paper trail

I was reading through a lady's blog when I happened on a post about how she thought her marriage was a piece of paper - all pristine and pretty, but was ripped in half when her husband had an affair.  And now the piece of paper is 'uglified'.

Fine, whatever analogy works for you.  And yeah, it totally sucks monkey balls that your husband cheated.  But then she went on to say this:

Nobody is getting the “happily ever after” fairytale.  They might not be dealing with affairs, maybe it is drugs or alcohol, maybe they fight all the time, maybe they can’t have a child.  There are tons of things that “uglify” that perfect white piece of paper.

Maybe it's the Clomid making me super sensitive, but WHAT?!

This was my response:

While there are many things that pose a challenge in a marriage, I think not being able to have a child is different than affairs, drug/alcohol abuse or lack of communication. Our infertility struggles have not ‘uglified’ our marriage. We communicate more, and it has affirmed that we are in this together.

Also, infertility was never a choice we made. The other things you listed were choices that were consciously made.

We have viewed our infertility as a challenge that was given to us, and something that we can figure out together. If anything, our paper has been upgraded to cotton blend paper, rather than printer paper.

I could've gone so much bitchier, but I figured lady had enough issues. 


  1. I like the cotton blend paper metaphor. It is possible for marriages to be uglified by infertility though, but that's more a question of how you respond to something.

    Also, like the distinction of conscious choices versus dealing with the cards you are dealt.

  2. I really like your answer! Very eloquently said. I know alot of couples out there are torn apart by IF but I feel lucky to be one of them that went the other direction and was strengthened!

  3. I agree. Infertility has made our marriage stronger.

  4. I had a huge falling out with a friend over a similar thing. She criticized me for being slef involved and not being around for ger (usual) shit. My argument was that everything she was dealing with was due to her on going bad choices. I didn't choose IF and I can't change it I can only hope for luck. Great answer! Clomid might make you crazy but didn't stop your come back!

  5. I TOTALLY understand what you're saying, but I can also see what she's saying too. Your case isn't the case for everyone.

    One of my best friends walked out on her marriage after 2 years of unsuccessful fertility treatments and got a divorce. She couldn't take it. It did not make her marriage stronger, it ripped it to pieces. She's not the only person I know with that story either.

    Not everyone is as fortune to have the good foundation in place already to withstand the amount of stress infertility or adoption can put a couple through. And, while most people of course didn't choose to have child bearing struggles (I do have a friend who forced her husband to have a vasectomy during a troubled time in their marriage, but they got through it, tried to have it reversed, it failed and now they are having a terrible time trying to conceive because of that choice) each couple does have the choice as to whether they want to pursue fertility treatments, adoption or being a parent at all.

    Likewise, someone suffering from addiction hasn't necessarily chosen to become an addict. They are an addict; it's something beyond their control at that point. My sister was an addict for 10 years. She absolutely did not want to do it but could not stop. (She's six years sober now but it took getting caught to get clean). Her college roommate committed suicide and it was something she did at first to cope and it got out of control. Another family member's husband was in a horrific car crash and became dependent on painkillers, again, an addict. Not something he chose, it just happened. He was in so much pain and was just trying to deal.

    Point being, everybody has a different story and situation, and so many people are feeling their own pain. That woman is feeling enormous amounts of pain. I feel it and see it in her words. So am I. So are so many of us, and I think that's all she was trying to say, not hurt anyone.

  6. Great answer. IF is not a choice one makes. Its also a great test of the strength of your marriage/partnership. IF has definitely bought my hubby and I closer.

  7. It's definitely not the clomid! I thought the same thing. You cannot compare drugs and alcohol or affairs to infertility!

  8. Nope, you sure can't compare! My husband and I have been through infertility (we are the proud parents of a 3 year old little boy thanks to ART) and now dealing with the aftermath of addiction and I will take infertility any day of the week.

  9. I agree. Our marriage is much stronger now that we have learned about everything we are dealing with. We cuddle and cry together. I used to hide in the bedroom or bathroom and cry by myself, but I don't have to anymore.
    And since we learned that he also has MFI, we aren't stressing out over sex. We can just have fun with it.
    We know each other better, inside and out, and as much as I hate infertility, I am thankful because of how close we have grown.

  10. Dealing with our IF went hand in hand with dealing with my husband's terminal cancer. Neither was "asked for"; both could be said to be harsh influences on marriage; but we decided to be open, to talk, and to be stronger together through the crap that comes from life.

    Very nicely put response to her, sometimes making general statements about *all* marriages just doesn't work! Amazing.

  11. Very, VERY nice response! IF has made our marriage stronger too! If we never have our own biological children, I can at least thank IF for a stronger marriage.


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