A note posted by a cousin on Facebook. Comments in red are mine.
Dear Non-Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, ‘surely she doesn't mean me’- then you should probably read this twice.
1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is 'Congratulations!' with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk. Unless you are one of thousands of people for whom getting pregnant is a dream and the thought of bringing home a live infant seems as impossible as walking on the moon. Many of us would love to be happy and chipper for you, but our own pain makes it impossible.
2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents or any other relatives. Except for when it takes a couple of doctors, nurses, and a lab technician to put the baby in there. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase 'my baby'. Unless it's an adoption or surrogate pregnancy. Then it's more than allowed.
3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. Yet again it needs to be pointed out that sometimes it takes more than 2 people to make a baby!
4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman. I agree about not touching the stomache, but come on, my own mother now asks me how my cervix is doing and I'm quite certain my RE is on a first name basis with it and my uterus.
5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight...ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'. I'll give her this one.
6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer, and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer. Yes, I know I won't be pregnant this summer. But I'd be thrilled to be and I'd even be thrilled to be able to be noted as a pregnant woman and put up with the comments you find so annoying.
Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, ‘surely she doesn't mean me’- then you should probably read this twice.
1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is 'Congratulations!' with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk. Unless you are one of thousands of people for whom getting pregnant is a dream and the thought of bringing home a live infant seems as impossible as walking on the moon. Many of us would love to be happy and chipper for you, but our own pain makes it impossible.
2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents or any other relatives. Except for when it takes a couple of doctors, nurses, and a lab technician to put the baby in there. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase 'my baby'. Unless it's an adoption or surrogate pregnancy. Then it's more than allowed.
3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. Yet again it needs to be pointed out that sometimes it takes more than 2 people to make a baby!
4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman. I agree about not touching the stomache, but come on, my own mother now asks me how my cervix is doing and I'm quite certain my RE is on a first name basis with it and my uterus.
5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight...ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'. I'll give her this one.
6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer, and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer. Yes, I know I won't be pregnant this summer. But I'd be thrilled to be and I'd even be thrilled to be able to be noted as a pregnant woman and put up with the comments you find so annoying.
Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World
It's really inconsiderate when people post things like those, it shows no understanding for people suffering infertility, adopting, or having surrogate families. Even the babies I've lost are MY babies. A shame people post things like that.
ReplyDeleteHope this isn't too long...
ReplyDeleteDear Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with non-pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, ‘surely she doesn't mean me’- then you should probably read this twice. No, three times. And then show it to your pregnant/soon to be pregnant friends.
1. The appropriate response to an Not-Pregnant-Again announcement is an "I'm sorry," preferably said with genuine sorry-ness. Any other response, including but not limited to: "You can have mine" "It was for the best" and "What did you do wrong?", makes you a cold heartless bitch.
2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies can be made with the help of numerous people, including doctors, surrogates, egg/sperm donors, and birth parents. Parenthood isn't as black-and-white as the 1950 version of the Typical Family would lead us to believe. Deal with that fact, don't make assumptions, and move on.
3. On the same note, unless you are the doctor/surrogate/donor/birth parent, the conception of the child is not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it.
4. The body of an infertile woman should be treated the same way as any other body. We have our privacy invaded enough by doctors and nurses. We'd appreciate it if you'd not inquire about our sex life, cervical mucus, menstrual cycles, or anything that you wouldn't normally bring up during a polite dinner conversation.
5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight...ever. A cycling woman does not find it flattering that you think she is bloated, must be in the early stages of pregnancy, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow unable to carry her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'.
6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, or have been trying for 20-30 cycles, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. You were hot every summer when you were not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that you will be miserably hot all summer before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you want us to feel for you because you will be pregnant during the summer, and how glad we should be that WE will not be pregnant this coming summer.
We will be happy to show you some respect, provided you can do the same in return.
Sincerely,
All the Infertiles in the World
Ummm...I'm kind of obsessed with your response! Love it! :-) ha!
ReplyDeleteOMFG-are you kidding me? I hope you actually did write those responses in red...and if you didn't please post Jackie's!
ReplyDeleteThe original posted note is so incredibly rude and snobby! Good for you for posting your responses. I hope the cousin sees this and thinks twice about complaining! It really hurts my heart when I see people who really are blessed post such insensitive nit picky things like this.
ReplyDeleteHappy IComLeavWe!
<3MaryAnne #135
I don't see what's really quite so wrong with the first post. The points you raised about surrogates, etc. are valid, but other than that it is a request for respect and privacy. Particularly point 1, I believe the person was not talking to people who can't really respond much (such as an infertile struggling with it) but rude responses like "already?" "Were you trying or was it an accident?" "Are you ready for this?"
ReplyDeleteThis blog was not meant for us to argue or debate the hurtfulness of a particular comment, posting or conversation.
ReplyDeleteThis is supposed to be a safe haven to rant, post and commiserate about things that have hurt us.
If you don't understand why this is hurtful, then please don't comment on that particular post.
Thank you Michelle ;)
ReplyDeleteSeeing as that came from what looks like an anonymous poster...
But on the topic, how rude. Sometimes I just want to say "Wow, you are pregnant... want a cookie?" I shouldn't have to go out of my way and people that get it, dont want to touch your belly anyways.
I LOVE the rewritten version!
I just adore the rewritten version! Thank-you Michelle, also for your response to the anonymous poster. This is our "safe place" where we get to complain about stuff the rest of the world thinks we should have to be understanding about. :D
ReplyDeleteI love the response to #1 so much. Easily could send a link to at least one person I know. I got chastised severely recently because I couldn't say "congratulations" to someone for getting knocked up. Excuse me, but why should I after the hell I've been through?
ReplyDelete