Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What happened?

After 3 years of trying to get pregnant, it finally happened! We only made it to eight weeks, but we had told family. I have seen a lot of people comment that they'd never tell so early, but it was the most exciting miracle that had ever happened to us. In the aftermath of the loss, I have had a couple people ask, "What happened?" As if it was something in our control.

No, I did not go on a bender and drink alcohol. No, I did not go smoke crack. It just happened. We don't know why, God didn't tell us why. The doctors don't know, it JUST happens. To 1 in 5 people.

I don't know if this really qualifies as an infertile moment, but to me it has been one of the biggest slaps in the face. In all honesty, (this sounds harsh) the infertility is more brutal and painful than any loss could possibly be for me. I do miss my baby that will never be. I still do not have a baby in my arms, my body still fails me, I am still infertile. So we managed to fertilize one egg in 3 years, it feels like my toxic uterus got the last laugh.

Thanks for assuming I did something wrong to have made this happen. I didn't, my uterus is just inhospitable for life.

Submitted by WhitBit


  1. Ugh. Like we need the extra guilt of a loss on top of the guilt that IF already puts on us.

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. As you said, you didn't do anything wrong...Most people are totally ignorant to this fact and automatically assume that if they get pregnant they will stay pregnant so long as they do everything "right" but the fact is, most of the time there is nothing you can do to prevent it...it's an unfortunate genetic fluke :(

  4. ((hugs)) I am so sorry! How insensitive!

  5. That is the crappiest thing someone could say. FWIW...the first time we got pg, we told everyone as soon as I saw the two lines. Yep...after 4 years of IF we didn't even wait for a dr. confirmation. I miscarried a week later.
    The second time we got pg, we didn't tell anyone until I was already miscarrying I told my sister, mom and best friend because I needed their support - DH was out of town.
    Let me tell you...NOT telling did not make the m/c any easier. It did not make the pain less. Don't feel guilty or let others make you feel guilty about "when" you announced your pg.

    Big Hugs to you!

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. People can be so insensitive. Do not feel guilty about telling "too soon." As far as I am concerned, ( and this is after four miscarriages), why would you not tell the people that love you that something good happened? Not telling doesn't make you not miscarry. HUGS

  7. I've wondered about that, about whether having a miscarriage would be better or worse than not being able to get PG in the first place.

  8. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for people's insensitivity.
    My mom is always freaking out, not letting me carry things, because "what if you're pregnant?" I just KNOW that if I have the unfortunate loss of a miscarriage, I will be blamed.

    People don't understand that there is nothing you did or didn't do.

  9. Honey, those people are stupid f*ing idiots!!!! They must have never experienced loss or IF. My loss story is very much like yours. I didn't allow myself to give in to grief until at least 3 months later...not wholly, and there'd be moments that the grief would engulf me. Somehow, allowing myself to do so has made the broken hopes more tolerable and to have hope again.

    I wish you all the luck God or anyone could give you. I know your baby will be so treasured.

  10. The grief sort of sneaks up on you, I guess I was in shock for most of the first month. It's still so raw, though. Nature is so cruel. Thank you for the kind words. It helps to know I am not the only one who would want to share such a joy with everyone. My papaw was my most fond reaction. He couldn't stop giggling. I had never heard him do that!

    And to the never getting pregnant in the first place vs miscarriage comment- I had actually prayed to God to let us get pregnant, "Just so we knew we could get pregnant." And he did, he gave us our sign. But I haven't decided yet which is worse. No baby is still no baby. Losing one is pretty difficult. I could write a long post but I think I will continue my thoughts on my blog.


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