Wednesday, February 23, 2011

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

This was posted as a note on fb by a girl I went to HS with.  She had her kids very shortly after we graduated.  I normally don't have a big issue with her but had to repost this for all of you.  I didn't respond to it but even though I'm now 19weeks pregnant I still spend every day in terror that it will all be taken away from me and that I will never get to experience any of the things mentioned in this "joke". Comments in italic are my personal thoughts...and let me start by saying that it's really annoying to assume that if you don't have kids you must NEVER have been exposed to them before and have NO CLUE what you're in for...

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Did you think kids didn't need food?

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
 Thanks I will enjoy making you feel a fraction of the lack of confidence I feel thanks to infertility.
Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
I guess I can "sort of" give them this one...though (and call me delusion infertile if you must) if you child is waking up that often at 3-5 years old it may be time to see what the cause is...

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.
 this one just made me laugh cause all I could picture was the octopus lol.  P.S. I've dressed children's not THAT complicated.
Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
I don't have kids and I still can't afford a BMW...nor is my little Kia spotless.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
that last line is just plain ridiculous and offensive...I would love to see parents try this experiment and tell me it's the same as their human child...if they can't succeed should their children be taken away from them?

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
 Again, I've fed babies's nothing like this
Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
I already know these.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
 fine I'll give them this one...only because that's the kind of kid I was...but I'd still give anything to hear mommy repeatedly than to never hear it in my life.
Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
 same response as lesson 10...
This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!
I didn't laugh (ok except at that octopus image lol)


  1. Ooooh I just had to comment on this. I suffer from secondary infertility, so I bloody know what each side of the fence is like, and no matter how much this mother claims it's hard blah blah blah, not having any of those things to do is worse! I'm sorry but my son is 3 and he slept thru the night from 5wks old, our car is spotless, and I've never given him raw chicken to play with and leave behind the tv!!! Maybe someone should do a 11 step program to settling, discipline, child nutrition, and how to use a vacuum for this mother!!

  2. on the octopus, and everything else!

    I can't believe someone even posted a note so long and drawn out on FB at all. Yes, we know kids can be bad. EVERYONE who knows ANYONE in their lifetime who has had kids(which is EVERYONE) surely knows this.

    I'm glad it was followed up with how 'its all worth it' but still...This list really does imply that people who don't have kids don't know that kids can misbehave and aren't sweet little angels all the time. Duh, we know this. And I'd also give ANYTHING to hear Mommy, mommy, Mommy.

  3. Really? Really? IJust goes to show us that yet another fertile needs to STFU!

  4. how dumb and obnoxious is this lady!?

  5. to be fair I don't think she came up with this list herself...probably just something she read and thought was funny...but still. Like I said she's not normally obnoxious or anything but I just thought this "joke" was pretty lame.
    I sent this to STFU about 6 weeks ago...I was surprised to see it go up!

  6. To whoever came up with the 11 step program, I have only question - would you give up your child for a shiny new BMW or a sane conversation with an adult? I am sure the answer will be no.

    Fertiles will never understand that we would go to any length to just to be able to hear someone calling you"mommy"

  7. I've had more than 5 friends post this to FB!!! With comments from them when they posted this like "It's soooo true!!"

    I'm so glad to find someone else with the same response as me. I actually googled previously to see if anyone was as upset with that "meme" as me but didn't find any blogs on it.

  8. Yeah, I've seen a lot of friends post this to FB also, and it pisses me the hell off every time!

  9. Wow, I went through IF and have a 3 year old now and I would never, ever think any of those things were funny. I understand it is tongue and cheek, but to actually put that out there for the universe to see makes me think these people should start counting their blessings before they have a rude awakening.


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