We have been TTC for a WHILE. Needless to say I have had my share of "it'll happen" & "have you considered adoption" (ETC.) comments. It gets old. Instead of taking the high road I have decided to be bitter and unforgiving about IF-related naive and insulting comments and questions. If someone "doesn't know what to say" then they should keep their mouth shut. Period.
My best tactic thus far has been planning responses to the standard questions so I can be prepared for future comments. For example: the next time someone asks me "Have you considered adoption?" I plan to respond with, "Have YOU considered adoption?" My reasoning for this question is because most breeders would never consider adoption. If I ask them if they have considered it and if they even try to make a comment about why would they need to consider adoption...oh they are MINE!
(1) Why is adoption OK for me to consider but not good enough for you to consider?
(2) Adoption is a very VERY personal decision for each person and couple... etc. etc. etc.
I also have many sarcastic comments for many questions along the lines of "when are you going to have kids." I thought I was good to go! But Monday, I was thrown off my game and I am now searching for responses to new IF-related naive and insulting questions.
(Back Story) In this very long and hard journey we have discovered that I have stage 4 endometriosis, which they could not prove to be the cause of my infertility. Great. So what is it?
I recently decided to go gluten free which has not only helped my endometriosis and made me feel so much better, but it has also given me a tiny sliver of hope back...
See 2 weeks ago I had an endometrial biopsy done to check my lining. This test checks for a Beta-3 Integrin, a protein that should be in every uterine lining. It makes the lining sticky for implantation. This was the first time I have come across a test where a negative test result is not always a good thing. My lining does NOT have the Beta-3 integrins. I now have to get a shot of Lupron to shut down my cycles for 3 months (aka menopause) with the hope that when my cycles "reboot" (yes, like a computer - either that or jump start like a car, which was my mom's favorite) *hopefully* my body will begin making the protein.
Needless to say this was quite a blow. It will be hard but I am dealing with it. I feel better now and, like I said before, I have a bit more hope in being able to control my diet. Just like the shot, I am hoping controlling the endometriosis through my diet will work.
When I shared this earlier this week with co-workers Amber and Ashley. I did NOT share the "pity party" part, just the test results and changing my diet part. After all we were on our way out to lunch so I felt the need to share. Also, I do have an issue I think with sharing too much information sometimes. But anyway, at lunch Amber proceeds to tell me that there is just no way they would be able to help me right now. Maybe a few years ago, but pregnancy is just not something she wants to deal with right now (as in being my surrogate, you know since my lining is messed up...pause for reaction). Ashley agrees and in fact, Ashley would not even want to be pregnant with her own child right now. Having another child right now would likely cause Ashley to go into depression because that's just not where she wants to be right now.
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OK hopefully you have had time to digest that some. In all honesty I do not care at all if Ashley has more kids, doesn't have more kids, doesn't want to have more kids. It's her life, whatever. BUT the timing of that comment pissed me off. Amber and Ashley went out of their way to offer telling me that they are not willing to help me with something that I did not even ask them to help me with in the first place. What makes them think they are so special that I would want to ask or even consider asking them to be my surrogate? That is quite presumptuous, insulting and it pissed me off.
Regardless of my recent test result, my husband and I have not even discussed something like that yet. We are not there. We are not done trying. I am so tired of people offering worthless *advise* to "lighten the mood" because they are uncomfortable. I do not care if they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say. Try living it, believe me that's worse than being uncomfortable about taking about it.
Anyway, thank you all for allowing me to rant and vent! Now apparently I need responses to comments offering to reject being my surrogate without my even asking. Suggestions welcome.
**The names have been changed to protect the guilty**
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oooh, I could have written this (or at least something similar). I have a friend that keeps offering me her uterus - never-mind the fact that she's on major antidepressants and was miserable during her pregnancy. The last time I finally told her "I don't need your uterus, I need a night with your husband" [we're severe MFI]
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I had someone say that they would love to be my surrogate but they haven't had children yet. Thank you so very much for the kind offer but I haven't thought that far ahead I still believe that my uterus will be enough. I agree the comments are thoughtless and unnecessary despite the guise of trying to be helpful they normally end up being insulting. I think they just need to nod, give a cuddle and smile and then shut the fuck up.
ReplyDelete"oh that's okay, your uterus isn't good enough for my child anyway." *hugs*
ReplyDeleteCouldn't agree more with your ideas for responses back to personal questions. Sure, easy for breeders to say!
ReplyDeleteAs for your "friends", it never ceases to amaze me how rude and insensitive people can be. Come on girls - we're supposed to look out for each other. Somehow that seems to go out the door with some of the ferts.
gosh some people!! So what did you say?? or did you say nothing at all??
ReplyDeletewhen I told my BFF we were going to do IVF the first thing she said was "well if you need an egg you can have one of mine"..i guess her heart was in the right place..but if theres anything wrong with my eggs its just the fact im 39..and she is a day younger than me..lol
Oh I had something kind of similiar happen with my cousin. I love her to death, but she is a completely clueless fertile (all 3 of her children were accidents, the last 2 were conceived while she was on birth control). I was telling her about my 2nd miscarriage when she tells me "If I liked being pregnant, I'd be a surrogate for you."
ReplyDeleteI had absolutely NO idea what to say after that. Just sort of sat there stunned that she would even say something like that to me. Like a she had just slapped me in the face.
ugh, I've had the opposite happen and it was equally awkward. My friend announced that I should take her eggs because they are ridiculously fertile, and while I was at it, I should take her other reproductive organs too.
ReplyDeleteI loved your responses to the stupid stupid things people have to ask.
ReplyDeleteLike the others have said, it is amazing the kind of things people will come up with. I really think there should be a class on infertility etiquette right along with sex education.
My recommendation: "Thanks but we've already got a nice crack whore lined up."
ReplyDeleteFertiles are evil incarnate.
I would have said. "That's nice. Not that I have any plans to use a surrogate, but I wasn't going to ask you anyway." The outright rudeness they gave you deserves a rude response.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar comment to the last one, but meaner. I will say that I am chicken and would never be able to say this to someones face or come up with it in the moment.
ReplyDelete"Wow. That's so great of you NOT to offer to be my surrogate. I mean, if I was considering one or needed one, I might be bummed. But since I'm not, it's just swell that you're letting me know that IF and WHEN I need one I don't need to go to the trouble of asking YOU."
Seriously stupid comments.